I believe…

An avid listener of Bob Edward’s Weekend, I am no stranger to the “This I believe” concept. Check out www.thisibelieve.org for more information on that. It’s very cool to read what people from all across the country count as their number one core value. I am always inspired by what I hear in the “This I believe” segment of Bob Edward’s Weekend.

However, today’s “I believe” is instead an answer to a call by Lynn Baldwin-Rhodes and her very moving blog post about why she almost quit the women’s entrepreneurial networking group she founded, “Power Chicks.” To read that wonderful piece of writing, go to http://www.powerchicksinternational.com/why-i-almost-quit-power-chicks/ .

If you are so inclined to read her story of winter epiphanies about what matters and where we can soften our expectations around success, then you will completely “get” why I am writing this blog post.

OK, so here goes….(This is for you, Lynn, and by extention for me too. It’s all connected, baby!)

I believe…

1. That motherhood is a spiritual path to inner peace.

2. That our children teach us the ways and means to that inner peace.

3. That I am already there, even when I think I’m not.

4. That being a mom and having a business can be fun.

5. That having a business about being a mom is THE most awesome business in the world for an entrepreneurial spirit like myself.

 

What do you believe? Share, share, share. We’d love to hear.

 

 

What do you do to beat the “Too-Tired” Blues?

Having kids isn’t exactly restful. Fatigue is a major complaint of parenthood. What do you do to beat the “Too-Tired” Blues? I want to share our ideas and thoughts with one another about this subject. We can learn from one another and perhaps try something out that works for another mom. Please, take a moment to write a tip or two about basking in the glow of restfulness.

We are watching joy unfold!

My husband had a dream. It was to create a home movie
theater experience for us to enjoy as a family. He researched projectors and
screen options. After hours of reading up on such things, he purchased a highly
regarded, affordable, projector and the makings for a homemade screen. For two
weeks, we waited in anticipation for the projector, screen paper and black
cloth to come in the mail. In the meantime, my husband carefully cut the wood
pieces to size that would become the frame for the screen. Finally the day
arrived when all the pieces were there and all that was left was the final
assembly.

Coming home from work to his home theater materials, my
husband quickly set to work constructing the screen. Then he mounted it carefully
on the wall. He fiddled with the projector, the wires and plugs until
everything was in place and ready to go. After the talking about having a home
theater, the waiting for things to come in the mail, the construction time for
the screen and the excruciating wait for dad to finish fiddling to make it
“just so,” we were ready to watch our first movie.

My kids danced around the family room like the most magical
thing in the whole world had entered into our lives. For that matter, so did my
husband. I sat there with the baby on my boob (that’s pretty much how I am most
of the time these days – including now) and watched all this joy unfold. It was
a spectacular sight to behold.

What a great thing for me to witness! I was more captivated
by their reaction to the home movie theater than I was by the actual movie
theater itself. They were sharing with me what pure joy looks like, plain and
simple, no strings attached. It made me realize how stuck I am in “If, Then”
scenarios. If I put ticks in boxes, then I’ll feel that joy I’m seeking.
Instead of putting joy first, I put it last on my agenda.

The lesson they are teaching me with our new home cinema is
that joy can be expressed in an infinite number of ways right now without me
needing to do anything else. I can dance for joy because it’s snowing outside,
the dishes are done, the baby is sleeping, the cupboards are full or any of the
gazillion other things that give me something for which I can be grateful.

Seeing them dance around the family room was a gift. The
home movie theater was the wrapping. The wrapping comes in the form of all the
little things that make my life such a blessing. Joy is the true gift. And now
I have more of it to pass on. So, this is for you, a gift of joy wrapped in a
blog post.

Different Ways to Share Yourself with the World

How do you share yourself with the world? We all need positive ways to express ourselves. Take yourself to the next level of spiritual growth with a trip to “self-expression land.”

What is blogging but an internet-based journaling exercise to share your thoughts, feelings and experiences with the world? We need to express ourselves. It is an innate, internal desire that we pursue in an infinite number of ways. Right now I am writing, which is one way I process my experiences and give a piece of myself back to the universe (or God). I write in the middle of a reorganization project around the house. This is another opportunity for me to put my personal stamp on this space where I spend so much of my time.

JJ just came down having dressed himself in some too-small overalls, but determined to wear them all the same. Even at two, he longs deeply to be himself and share his ideas about toddler fashion with me and the community at large. He doesn’t care that his pants are too short. He is loving his outfit and the fact that he picked it out himself.

When we express ourselves, we not only share who and what we are with humanity, but we also share our spirit with the divine life force that flows through everything. Call it the universe. Call it God. Call it the mysterious web that binds us all together in the common experience of human-hood. Symantics always seems to create an obstacle to the larger truth that each of us exists on this planet and, in doing so, are an integral part of life – all life.

Without our existence, the world would be a different place in a very literal sense. That is why our self-expression matters. Because it adds to the overall experience of all life on this planet. We may not think we matter, but we most certainly do. Especially if you are a parent, your existence matters very much to the little ones under your charge.

So, go ahead, express yourself. Express yourself with love and joy and pride. I am in the middle of a big ol’ mess in my house right now as I reconfigure my domestic expression. I am committed to continuing a weekly blog of insights about life and motherhood as another form of sharing myself. Meditation, walking, the way I dress, talking, writing and so much more are all the ways I say to the world, “This is who I am.”

How have your shared yourself today?

New Resolutions for 2012 and Beyond…

Exercise is my new thing for 2012. It’s my new old thing. I used to exercise. In fact, last spring and summer I was exercising more than I had in a long (long) time. Instead of becoming easier to go further with greater stamina, my daily jogs were becoming more and more gruelling. Then, when I looked at myself in the mirror week after week in my kickboxing class, I was not becoming trimmer in the middle. In fact, I seemed to be growing larger. When I started to feel the tell-tale butterfly flutters of second trimester pregnancy, I could no longer deny that I was with child. This was not supposed to happen. My husband had a vasectomy after our third son. Luckily for me, when I finally told my husband what was going on, the relief that I was not sneaking into the refridgerator every night to eat whole blocks of cheese was greater than the shock that I was pregnant.

Now that our new baby is two months old, I am running out of excuses as to why I cannot start moving again in a meaningful way. The new year provides a great opportunity for me to make a commitment to myself and my body. It’s only day three, but so far I have managed to put my running shoes on and power walk the pavements of my town. It feels good. It is my time to be alone with my thoughts, prayers and insights into how things are going on the inside. Three days in and I already treasure this time.

Resolutions at the new year work for me. Just like the six weeks of lent, the beginning of a new year creates an opportunity for me to make a commitment to myself. I like the change that occurs in me when I make this promise and then challenge my life circumstances to fulfill it. I start letting go of excuses and embracing the moments when I can do what it is that I am setting out to do. Tonight, the first day back at work since the new year, my husband came home from work, I had dinner in the oven, running shoes on, baby in the basinet and away I went. Timothy was crying when I returned home, but I was only gone for 25 minutes and he survived. I am starting out small, but I am starting.

My goal is to walk every day starting with just walking, then to include my ankle weights after about a week and work up to short jogs. I will begin my kickboxing class again at the beginning of February and have that on my schedule one evening a week. It then becomes my anchor around which I do all the rest of my exercising during the week. If I did not do some cardio on the other days of the week, I would die in kickboxing. It is just that gruelling. The teachers give no mercy because the students ask for none.

I have a plan. I have a commitment. I have a new year. I have a resolution. I love it. I love it. I love it. Life is crazy and complicated and always busy, but I feel determined in a way I have not felt in a long time.

Let’s talk fertility….it’s time.

I share this because I believe it is time to begin this
conversation, asking each other what we have been through as women, how it has
affected us and where our feelings over fertility and infertility come
together.

This is something I posted on Facebook on Tuesday, December 27,
2011:

Leta Hamilton is at
home recovering from a failed permanent contraception solution. The procedure
is called Adiana and it is an alternative to tubal ligation. However, the
doctor could not see up one of my filopian tubes well enough to place the
“plug” that would permanently block the egg from descending down the
ovaries. I am sharing on FB because our practical steps to motherhood and its
reproductive conclusi…on are also emotional journies that span every feeling
on the psychological landscape. If you have ever had a child, lost a child,
wanted a child, didn’t want a child, had surgery to prevent a child or any
combination of those, you have brought into this world feelings shared by other
women all across the globe. We are one female body joined together by our feelings.
My tubal ligation is scheduled for Thursday. Our story continues.

These are some of the comments I received in response to my post:

• Thank you
  for sharing this! Something that sounds so simple and clinical can actually be
  a big emotional roller coaster, plus what mother has time for extra doctor
  appointments for herself? It’s more stress added to the mix. Thank you again.
• How
  incredibaly frustrating! I wish you good luck and a quick recovery.
• I am
  sorry that you had to experience this challenge, Leta. I wish you luck in your
  next procedure.
• I hope
  you heal quickly and get the desired results on Thursday. You are smart to do
  it this way not just be talked into a full hysterectomy. Who wants to age
  overnight or be dependent on lab produced not quite bioidentical hormones?
• ‎*Prayers* Leta
• As
  someone who spent a decade of my life trying to reproduce successfully, I
  certainly feel for you even if my issue was the exact opposite of yours. Women
  do need to talk of these things and keep talking. Wishing you a successful
  procedure and speedy recovery.
• The
  impact of contraceptives (including failed ones) have an enormous impact on the
  lives of women. It affects every aspect of our lives including economic.
  Surprise pregnancies or even the potential for them to happen cause us to guess
  & second guess other major life decisions. Education, career, where you
  live, the ability to do more or less for your other kids. Of course its
  emotional!

How can we come together on
this issue of that which makes us mysterious chaperones of continued evolution?
Fertility affects us all – in one way or another. How has it affected you?

I am also sharing the links
to the other two websites on which I guest blog. They are both worthy websites
run by women just like you and me. There are an infinite number of ways we make
connections. These are two very good ones.
http://www.chatwithwomen.com/content/101-Family

http://blog.motherhoodlaterthansooner.com/2011/12/mission-statement-for-motherhood-by.html

The D-I-A-P-E-R 4 Life Strategy

As a mother to four young boys, I have had the
dubious privilege of wiping many bottoms over the past seven years. I wish I
could say that this phase of my life was over, but alas, my youngest is six
weeks old. My four-year old still needs assistance. My oldest is getting there,
but he continues to cry for help when he knows I’m within ear shot. Such is the
life of mother. Yet, in the midst of this poop, I have devised a D-I-A-P-E-R 4
Life Strategy that makes me laugh and keeps me sane. The metaphor of diaper
works for me because I “get it.”

What is a diaper? It’s an invention that collects
unwanted toilet-things and encases them in a handy package allowing me to wipe
it all up with a minimum of fuss (really – even the worst case scenarios are
better than no diaper at all) and dispose of this stuff with a minimum of
hassle. What it doesn’t do is prevent the toilet-things from coming; that’s
natural. So, too, it is with life.

As a mother, I know that there will be moments when
I am tired and out of patience. I know that sometimes my two year old will cry
because I won’t give him another piece of candy or whatever it is he wants. I
know that there will be moments when frustration will build up either on my
side or on that of my children. These things, like poop, are inevitable. It
helps, however, to have a strategy in place for dealing with those times when
my metaphorical “body” is attempting to flush out what it no longer needs – the
residue of negative emotions that are much better off in an easily-disposed-of
container, a “diaper,” if you will.

My D-I-A-P-E-R 4 Life Strategy is a six lettered
acronym for those daily equivalents of
“if-mommy-doesn’t-do-these-things-she-will-explode-and-it-won’t-be-pretty.” The
first letter is a reminder to myself to take some Down time to reconnect with
me. It is my promise that I will take whatever time I can find to breathe, to
sit in silence and to shut out the existence of everyone else for just a moment
or two. Sometimes my “down” moments come in the bathroom when I have two
minutes to myself and I can sigh a breath of quiet stillness. Other times, I
have an hour or more to enjoy the peace of my own company. It doesn’t matter
how long I have. What matters is that I have a strategy that tells me to take
those down moments when they present themselves, to appreciate them and to
recognize that I have had them when the chaos of motherhood is giving me a
headache. That reasoning has offered me a path to calmness when before my
emotions had no direction to go but up. My kids benefit from a mom who has a
path to inner peace in place.

Next, I take the “I” and Imagine myself in the
position of my kids. Am I as tired as they are? Am I overwhelmed by a world
that invites ship-loads of new information practically every second of the day?
What advantages do I have as an adult other than everything!? When I turn the tables and do my best to see the world
from their point of view, suddenly their antics become less problematic and
more the behaviors of someone who, quite simply, has less experience in the
world. It also has the added benefit of taking me out of my own head and my own
story, which can spiral quickly into “victim-land.” My kids are not
perpetrators of inner-peace destroying acts of malevolency; they are immature
beings who have yet to learn how much there is on any mom’s plate. I can take
the proactive step of imagining myself in their position to reach a middle
ground of greater understanding. When this happens, I snap out of my downward
spiral and greet the situation with a lot more love.

With “A,” I Ask myself, “What can I learn from
this?” This question turns any situation into something lighter than it was
before. Sometimes that answer requires a bit of self-inquiry into where I am at
any stage in my life. Other times the answer pops up immediately as “more
patience,” “don’t forget to pack extra underwear next time,” or “shopping
during nap time is never a good idea.” Whatever it is, once I have asked the
question, “What can I learn from this?” I immediately open up the space in my
own heart and mind to grow from the experience and to become a better mom as a
result. This creates a win-win for everyone. Maybe my child DID have a
miserable shopping experience because he should have been sleeping, but I am
making progress as a human being by proactively learning from our misery and
taking positive steps that will ensure we both have a better time in the
future. When I go deeper, I always find new aspects of myself to consider and
to reevaluate where and how my beliefs about life are serving me or otherwise.
When I find a belief that isn’t helpful, I can do something about it. I can
choose to adopt a more helpful attitude. All of these things arise because I am
constantly asking myself, “What can I learn from this?”

“P” is a reminder to Pay attention to the bigger
picture. There is the context of their whole life and of mine. Whatever is
happening, I know it shall pass. This means that I can appreciate the precious
moments with even greater depth. It also means that I can treat the difficult
moments with less importance. I am attached to a broader universal panorama
than just the immediate chaos before me. As often as I can, I take a moment to
step back and see the bigger picture for what it is – a tapestry of highs and
lows that create the beauty of a life, a whole life. If I focus too much on the
frustrations of motherhood right now
(the poopy diapers, the tantrums, the disappointments of not always being given
exactly what you want when you want it and so on), then I lose sight of the
people I am shepherding into adulthood. I want them to grow up to love their
lives, to treat all people kindly and to know how to participate in the world
on their own two feet. If I am going to keep my eye on that ball, I must have
an overlying awareness at all times of
the bigger picture of their lives and my brief sojourn as chief influencer.
This is more important than any amount of peas all over the floor.

The “E” of D-I-A-P-E-R is the Evocation of my inner
adult. Being a mom is tiring at times. I don’t always have an endless supply of
patience and goodwill with which to greet the spilled milk on the couch. It is
during these moments that I must dig deep to evoke the inner adult that can
handle the situations of life like an adult, rather than like a child. I want
to have a tantrum too from time to time. That does not mean, however, that I
should have one in front of my two year old. There is a time and a place for
releasing pent-up frustrations. We teach our children how to deal with anger,
but we don’t often follow our own advice. I have a chair in which I sit when I
need to be present with my frustration. It is a place I go when I have to work
something out in my heart before I can go forward. Still, I have three kids to
take care of. If I cannot make it to the chair immediately, then I evoke my
inner adult and do what is necessary until I can go to the chair. Evoking the
inner adult means we recognize that we are the more experienced party in the
parent/child dynamic. It means that we have the maturity to deal with
situations on an emotional level that our children are still new at. My excuses
for anger and frustration are many, but I am not the child who simply lashes
out. I am the adult who has the tools at her disposal to handle my frustrations
with constructive techniques that send the frustration back to a more neutral
position. It is not always easy to keep a mature outlook in the heat of the
moment, but by evoking my inner adult, I get there. I get there.

Finally, “R” is the Read your Mission Statement for
Motherhood reminder. About four years ago, I sat down and wrote out a Mission
Statement for Motherhood (you can read mine on page 18 of my book The Way of the Toddler). I wanted to
make a public statement about my core values as a mom and as a human being. For
weeks, I wrote and revised a Mission Statement until I felt I had something
eternal. This was my declaration to the world of what I stood for as this
mother to three (then two) kids, as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister and as
just plain old Leta Hamilton. After writing it, I printed out two copies and
framed them. Once frame hangs in my kitchen and the other in my bedroom. Taking
the time to read them each day grounds me to the earth and sets the tone for
who I want to be in the world. It is a form of meditation and realignment with
what I hold most precious. Not everyone has taken the time to write out a
Mission Statement for Motherhood. If you haven’t, might I suggest you do that
before you end the month? It is a wonderful tool for becoming clear on what
matters to you most. When you are clear on what matters, you know when to let
go of the small stuff and when doing something more is required. Having set out
your core values, you are ready to hone the necessary traits that will create
those values in your life and those of your children. Again, win-win for all.

Together, these six steps create a “diaper” effect
that allows me to deal with whatever life throws my way. Yes, there may be a
mess to clean up, but I have a handy little strategy to keep things
light-hearted, relatively pain-free and ship-loads easier than dealing with the
aftermath of emotional fallout on the cream-colored couch of family. We each have
a place and a purpose in this world. With strategies to help deal with the
stuff of relationship that challenges us and causes imbalance to our inner resources
of calm and cool-headedness, we can ensure that those relationships remain
strong throughout our lifetimes. I, for one, would like my children to want to see me in their adulthood. The
D-I-A-P-E-R 4 Life Strategy I use on a daily basis gives me the confidence that
they will. There is always a letter of the acronym that applies to whatever
situation I am involved, that gives me a “way out” to a more centered and
clear-headed approach to responding and that offers an opportunity for
learning, growing and becoming more of the person I want to be. It is, in
short, a great diaper for living.

 

How to be great without being perfect:

My husband James is a great dad, but not a perfect dad. When
he is focusing on the kids, he is giving them 100% of his attention. This is
more than I can say for myself a lot of the time. I am that chronic
multi-tasking mother who is undoubtedly thinking, “What’s for dinner?” while
reading a story to one of her kids. James, on the other hand, is a one thing at
a time kind of guy. This is a great attribute, but can also be a huge pain! If
he is reading his book, focusing 100% of his attention on that, the kids can be
screaming “DAD!” at the top of their lungs and he still won’t hear them. That’s
what he’s like. It can be extremely frustrating when you are attempting to
capture his attention. However, when his attention is focused on you, it’s the
most wonderful feeling in the world. Like I said, he’s a great dad, not a
perfect dad.

I believe it is really the best a parent can hope for – to
be great, without being perfect. Many of us try so hard to be perfect, we
forget about being great. What is perfect, anyway? We each define it differently.
But can we agree on great? Great is when your kids love and adore you even
though they know that sometimes you will frustrate the heck out of them for one
reason or another. Great is when they respect you even though they do not
always listen to you or do what they are told. Great is a big picture quality
that has them leaving home loving you and wanting to return every once in
awhile to see you.

Perfect, on the other hand, is an elusive ideal that can
never be attained because we are perfect already just the way God made us. We
may have forgotten that somewhere along the way, usually in childhood, when
someone (possibly even a parent) said or did something that made us feel unworthy
or without value. The goal of perfect parenting creates unrealistic pressure
that does not allow us to compassionately deal with our mistakes. Mistakes, as
we all know, are inevitable. But they are also necessary for growth. All of
life is a journey of learning. Through that learning, we grow as people. With
that learning, we become wise. Mistakes are par for the course. When we expect
perfection from ourselves, we are also prone to a level of self-criticism that
hinders the very growth that will indeed make us wise.

My kids adore their dad because they know when they do have
their dad’s attention they will have all of it. Wow, do they love that! When I
am focusing on being perfect, instead of being great, I have to ask myself who
it is I am trying to be perfect for? Myself, my kids, their teachers, my peers,
society are all examples of people and institutions that might each have a
different definition of “perfect.” That list could go on and on. To attempt to
achieve perfection is to go after a constantly moving target.

Time for a focus shift. How about I focus my attention on
being great instead of perfect? I’m going to try that on for size today.

Words of the Season – Faith, Hope, Love and Joy

As December 25^th approaches, I feel guided to reflect on four words that have become ubiquitous additions to craft store aisles for fancy framed pictures. “Faith,” “Hope,” “Love” and “Joy” could fill a room with other people’s definitions and reasons why they are meaningful words to so many of us. They deserve our attention because they are words that make a difference. I hate to think what my life would be like if I didn’t have the space in my heart for what these four words instill in me.

The order itself is significant: Faith, Hope, Love and Joy. Because I have faith, I have hope. Because I have hope, I can love. Because I  can love, my life is open to joy. It is faith that leads to love and it is love that leads to joy.

What is it that I have faith in? I have faith that I am not separate and alone. I have faith that I am connected to something greater than my  singular self made of flesh and bone. You can call it faith in God (I do) or the Universe. Whatever labels are attributed to that great Creative Force that vibrates in and through all that is, it is a comfort to have a deep and abiding faith in it. No matter what is going on externally in my life, I ever feel lost or without a spiritual cushion that gives me the strength to return to a peaceful countenance. That feeling of connection to the great heartbeat of life itself is a powerful whisper that lets me know I am taken care of and that everything will be alright.

Faith comes first. With that firmly rooted in the core of my being, I have hope. I hope that my life will unfold to ever more beautiful vistas. I cannot know for sure, but I can hold on to a hope so tangible, it feels true already. Hope is that quiet trust and confidence that no matter where we are today, things can change. We can change. I can become more of the person I would like to be and so can we as a global community. Without the hope of a more peaceful world, how could we take the necessary steps to make that world a reality? Hope flows through me like a great river and it makes me so very happy and so very much at peace. It allows me to accept what is right now with grace. As grace moves through me, it continually broadens my horizons and expands me. This is the great gift of hope.

Out of hope, comes the ability to love deeply and without conditions. Faith is the root of this tree. Hope is its branches and love is the green leaves sprouting everywhere. This love recognizes itself in another’s eyes. It says, “In you, I see a piece of me.” Love sees past our differences and penetrates that which connects us all – our desire to be the most we can be in a lifetime, however it is we define it. Love is the natural response to faith and hope. It is the outward manifestation of that which is planted deep in the soil of spirit. We cannot “see” the creative force that gives rise to life, but we can certainly have faith that it is always present. Nor can we grab hold of the certainty that our lives are unfolding with perfection, but we can hope that this is so. What we can do is love each other, offering daily acts of kindness that can be held and felt.

When we love without conditions, we open our lives to beauty and truly joyful experiences. Without exception, we gaze upon a joyful life with admiration, appreciation and awe. Joy is the blossom of this tree. It is the vibrant color and sweet scent of the blossom that makes this tree so pleasurable to sit under. Opening ourselves up to love and the joy that loving others creates gives rise to the miraculous. Like birds flying from one tree to another and spreading the seeds of an orchard, good things are spread when joy is present. The blossom allows for the whole process to begin again, for new trees to be planted in the soil of the soul. It is a circle.

The image of the circle is a fitting one for this time of year. We have the advent wreath marking the passing of the weeks toward the return of the light (or the birth of Christ if you are a Christian). We sit around a table in fellowship during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday. We  contemplate the end of one year and the beginning of another. We celebrate birth and the possibility for new life with the anticipation of spring. Faith, Hope, Love and Joy are their own kind of circle, but build upon each other also. Connections are always there when you look for them. A life is a circle too. Yet, we don’t die as we were born. We have built a life with its humble beginnings in the faith that somehow, from somewhere, food would come and we would live. I am a testament to the miracle of faith, hope, love and joy. May you be such a tree, abundant with the blossoms of joy so that all may share in your gifts.

Watching Your Children Suffer…

I recently sat with my seven year old as he poured his heart out to me. There was not a lot I could do other than hold the space for him to release his pent up emotions. I blogged about this experience in my monthly Motherhood Later Than Sooner guest blog post and I paste the link here. It is a reminder to us all that sometimes the most courageous thing we, as moms, can do for our kids is nothing other than sit with them and listen.

http://blog.motherhoodlaterthansooner.com/2011/11/watching-your-children-suffer-by-leta.html