Monthly Archives: May 2010

The Formula for Fulfillment…

For  the last 2 weeks I have been waking up at 5am for a jog and/or walk before my husband has to go to work. I arrive back at the house just before 6am, make a cup of coffee and then sit and write in my journal and read for an hour before I start the morning school routine. This plan has been semi-successful. JJ has been waking up while I am out and that means my husband is awakened. He does not like being awakened before 6am. He does not want to have to attempt to placate JJ while I am out of the house at the crack of dawn.

If JJ stirs as I am leaving and I catch it, our new deal is that I have to take JJ with me in the stroller. That happened this morning. He, of course, falls straight back asleep in the stroller as I do my walk. However, keeping him asleep in the stroller when I return at 6am is another challenge. This morning that wasn’t so successful.

In an attempt to give JJ something to keep him occupied so I could do my journal writing (which I do religiously), I gave him a chocolate egg left over from Easter. I took him up to my journal writing chair and sat him on my lap. I didn’t get a huge amount of journal writing done (it’s ok, I did it later), but I did have an incredible “ah-ha” moment.

There he was sitting on my lap, eating this delicious treat with this look of total contentment on his face. “There,” I thought, “is the look of fulfillment.”

And what were the components of that look of complete and utter fulfillment?

1. Love – he was sitting in his mommy’s lap, in a place of safety and security and warmth. It was the “seat” of love, literally and metaphorically.

2. Enjoyment – he was diggin’ that chocolate egg. Yum, yum!

3. Presence – He was present in that moment. At this stage, there is nothing but the present for him. He goes from moment to moment either loving it or hating it depending on the situation. But, whatever the case, he’s all there. Yesterday and tomorrow don’t register. 3 minutes from now doesn’t even come into the picture.

So, there you have it…

Love + Enjoyment + Presence = FULFILLMENT!

Check yourself now? Are you out of balance in any one of those 3 areas?

Love is the Spirit.

Enjoyement is the Body.

Presence is the Mind.

Mind, Body, Spirit  – It’s all connected. And when there is harmony and balance between the 3, you have fulfillment.

Notes on New York…

This is an email I wrote to my publisher about how things are going right now…

This is not the kind of email I can just respond to lickety split! New York was an incredible and life-changing experience. Most everyone was incredibly receptive and encouraging. I have begun a massive follow-up campaign.I did have one guy from a distribution company called Midpoint (and former exec at Simon and Schuster) tell me that he thought I’d done my book all wrong – that it looked self-published, it should be paperback, it was too expensive and he hated the cover image and said I should not have chosen a mixed race child. On the other hand, everything that he said I needed to do I am already doing. One has to take these things in their proper context. It was a great learning experience and he took the time to meet with me at his office for a longer meeting at the Summit. He was actually very helpful overall. I sent a copy of my book to Sanjay Burman of Burman Books, an independent publisher based in Toronto. He called and said that he loved the concept and future branding potential of my book and would be willing to publish a second edition in paperback with 2 more chapters added. However, as a first time author, the deal was that I would have to buy 2,000 copies of the book myself at $8 each, which would have worked out at $14,000. We just do not have those funds right now. I continue to do the work to build my platform. I am doing the radio show on Sue Lundquist’s network now. That really helped when I went to NY. I love doing the show and keeping it is a real priority – which means selling advertising and sponsorship. One of the media at the Summit, a radio show host named Lisa Weixler said that she did not tend to feature self-published authors on her show because most of the self-published books she comes across are very poorly edited. This is something to bear in mind telling future clients – MAKE SURE THEY EDIT THEIR MANUSCRIPTS THOROUGHLY!! I have noticed a few errors in my book, which will definitely have to be corrected in any future editions. One good thing about the Summit combined with the radio show is that I have been able to ask a few of the media I met onto my radio show as guests and have had very positive response so far with the ones I have emailed (as opposed to sending letters in the mail). Faith and Trust carry me onwards and upwards more than words could possibly express. One’s mental attitude is so important. Never give up. Believe in yourself. Believe in your message. Always be patient. Do not be so obsessed with an end goal that you forget the really important stuff – like time with your kids. The “goal” of life is not to sell a million books, but to learn, grow and become a wiser, more peaceful, and closer to God person along the way.

Why I do what I do…

Interview for Member Spotlight

Member Spotlight – (name and brief background)

Leta Hamilton, author, radion show host, motivational speaker

The Way of the Toddler: The Craziness of Modern Motherhood and the Spiritual Lessons I Learned from My Zen Masters in Diapers

1. Tell us about your business and the service that you provide:

Through the platform of radio, I provide real maintenance tools for real moms. I am a mom to 3 little boys who are currently 1, 3 and 5 years old. I went from being an Executive Assistant of a CEO in Private Equity to downsizing my life to a part time job after the birth of my first child. Then I became a full-time mom after the birth of my second child. I truly went from the business suit to comfy sweat pants and I completely had to reevaluate how I measured my self-esteem now that I was no longer bringing in any income. I started reading every self-help/personal empowerment book I could check out from the library or listen to on tape (I would go through the used books on tape in the thrift stores to save money). Holf wever, these books were by and large written by men and none of them with a 1 and 3 year old child to whom to attend. I thought, “There has to be a better way.” I made the conscious decision to start paying more attention to my kids from a spiritual perspective to see what lessons they could be teaching me for the keys to inner peace and greater fulfillment. After all, I was spending so much time with them anyway. It seemed like a great way to enrich my spiritual quest and be mentally “present” with my kids while we carried out the daily tasks of living. I put the laptop up on the kitchen counter and, literally, with baby attached to breast, started writing down everything they were teaching me. After a move and a new baby, I began the process of looking for a publisher. Once the book was published, I began marketing myself as a public speaker. I also started doing many local radio show interviews. I was offered the position of host on one of the shows on which I was interviewed and accepted. Now I network, market and promote my book, speak at events and host my radio show. I help moms write their own Mission Statement for Motherhood and have a D-I-A-P-E-R for Life Strategy I teach. My radio show goes out to 1.3 million listeners and is called “The Way of the Toddler Hour.” I am privileged to be a part of the I’m Thankful Network, which sponsors my show. I blog about the spiritual lessons I am learning all the time from my kids. It really is the ultimate in work/life balance because my kids provide me with the material for my career as author, radio show host and motivational speaker.

2. How did you decide to get started?
An insatiable drive for fulfilling my potential on this earth, a desire to know and then to teach authentic JOY and the value of authentic power.
 
3. What kind of background of expertise do you have in your field?
Graduated Phi Beta Kappa from the University of Oregon with degrees in Italian and International Relations. I then went to Italy to do post-grad work, followed by 2 years in Japan to teach English. It was there that I met my (now) husband, who is from England (and, coincidentally, has the same last name as me). Before we had kids we were DINKIES (Dual Income No Kids). That was a lot of fun, but we also wanted children. After kids, we became a STINKY family (Single Takehome Income with New Kids). That required a whole new level of inward searching for peace and contentment with life because the financial freedom that we had known before was no longer so financially free, so to speak. As the daughter of a Navy Chaplain, church and spiritual inquiry was a natural part of my upbringing. Turning to the best-selling personal empowerment/spiritual growth authors such as Dr. Wayne Dyer, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, etc, was the next obvious step in my exploration of more enlightened ways to deal with poopy diapers and piles of laundry. Now, I have 1, 3 and 5 year old boys that provide me with infinite material about which to write. They are always teaching me the keys to inner peace and happiness. They challenge me to find stores of patience within myself I didn’t know I had. They also show me what it means to truly be authentic, how to live in the moment and to worry less about what other people think and just have fun.
 
4. What trends do you see in your current industry?
The best selling self-help books sweeping the globe are a clear indication that people in general are looking for a better way to live their lives that includes more attention to what is going on internally within one’s own psyche. People long to live lives filled with goodness and love and to be the best men and women they can be. There is an incredible trend towards taking responsiblity for one’s happiness in life. Across the board, we are seeking a better way to fulfill our potential as human beings. There is a palpable longing to redefine what it means to be successful mothers raising successful children. We want our children to grow up with an inner sense of satisfaction with life. However, there is still a great deal of pressure to compare ourselves against what other parents are doing. The whole arena of parenting (and I would posit especially motherhood) is rife with opportunities for external comparisons, judgement, guilt and criticism of both self and others. Plus, there are so many parenting books and methods from which to garner advice and ideas, that it is as if we have almost stopped trusting our own inner sense of what is right for our child. We look to experts and we seek answers to our questions, but often the knowing what to do resides within our hearts all along and what is required is enough stillness and self-inquiry for that knowing to reveal itself. On the one hand, we want to trust ourselves more and do what intuitively feels right, but, on the other hand, no one wants to be the first one to reject what have in many cases become entrenched societal norms.
5. What things do you find to be most demanding about your job? 
The irony is not lost on me that I hire more babysitters now than ever before as I travel about meeting with other moms, preparing my radio show and keeping up with correspondence. All the demands of motherhood are still there. However, with the conscious awareness that my children are always offering up opportunities for me to learn, grow and become more of the person I desire to be on this planet, allows me to see the gift of each and every moment – even when it comes in the form of a tantrum or peas all over the floor.
 
6. What do you find to be the most rewarding about your job and your day to day routine?
The fact that me children are the inspiration for all that I do in my career.
 
7. What advice would you give to someone else who is interested in starting a business like yours?
Patience is required. Things happen in baby steps, just like they do for our children. Where ever I go and to whom ever I speak about what our children can teach us, I am always greeted with a “That is so true.” We instinctively know that our children can be our greatest teachers, but we often forget to look for the lessons when we are so grossed out by what they are producing in their diapers or just too plain exhausted to care. I would welcome anyone to join me on this mission to change how we define successful parenting and to be more consciously aware of the gifts and lessons our children bring to the table. It is not about what we need to be “doing” to or for our kids. It’s about all that they do for us without us even realizing or appreciating it. My real advice for anyone interested in starting a business like mine is to call me and let’s collaborate.
 
8. What are you most proud of as a parent-preneur?
I am most proud of the fact that what I do requires me to constantly search out how my children are enriching my life, even if I don’t always understand how in the middle of an unpleasant situation (like a tantrum). What I do as a “job” requires me to go within daily, pray and honestly ask how I can do better to teach authentic JOY and love ever more unconditionally.
 
9. How have you been able to manage your time between work and your family?
It is an ebb and flow. Some weeks are better than others. I always make time to write every day no matter what. When I am with my kids I stop thinking about everything that needs to be done and stay focused on being in the present with them. I pray ceaselessly, giving all my worries and concerns over to a higher power. I practice humility. I strive for patience. I remind myself constantly that life is a journey, not an end goal. I am grateful for each and every thing that happens, even the “bad” or frustrating stuff, because everything is an opportunity to learn and to face, ultimately conquering, my fears. Also, trust is key. Without it, I am lost before I even start.

 

10. What has been the most effective way for you to promote yourself?
Networking is a HUGE part of what I do. The more I network, the easier promoting myself becomes.

 

Finally: What does your “Milk Money” provide for you and your family?

 My “Milk Money” provides self-esteem, a sense of accomplishment and a feeling that I am fulfilling my potential and purpose as a human being on this planet. For my children, they see me loving my life, loving what I do, living in joy and embracing and valueing authentic power. Likewise for my husband. As a newly established business entity what I earn is quickly reinvested into the growth and expansion of this message to which I am deeply committed for my sake, my children’s sake and the sake of mothers and their children all across the world.

“Thank you for supporting self-employed moms and dads. Together we are changing the world!”

Cute baby toes…

Yesterday I was looking at my baby’s cute baby toes and had an “Ah-ha” moment. I wondered at what point one’s toes become decidedly “un-cute?” Everyone always oohs and aahs over those cute little baby toes and feet, but we grow up to hate our stubby toes, corns and dry ankles. But does God ever stop loving our feet? No, of course. There is no magical point in time when God stops loving our toes because they aren’t little cute baby toes any more. It is we, ourselves, who stop loving our toes, not God. Why? Why are my toes any less lovable now than they were when I was a baby? And the answer is that they are not. They are just as lovable now as they always have been. God has loved my toes all along, no matter what they look like. You don’t have to have cute little baby toes to have toes worth loving! Every part of us is worth loving, no matter how old, how wrinkled or how “un-cute.” God has never stopped loving us and neither should we! In fact, we aren’t really seperate from God at all. God resides within our hearts and when we acknowledge our lovability even in the midst of our human failings, we acknowledge the gift of our creation. For life is indeed a gift. It is a miracle of the highest order.  To imagine that we all arrived here from a single egg and sperm is mind boggling. Biology is an amazing thing. Toes are an amazing thing. Millions of cells in each toe alone. It’s crazy. It’s beautiful. It’s life.

My baby’s toes are indeed very cute. They are small and smooth and iddy-biddy. I could look at them all day. My toes are pretty slendiforous right now because I had a pedicure before I went to New York and the red polish is still on them. I like the way they look at the moment. I used to have these warts on my toes that took ages to kill. I hated my toes during that time. I did not want to go for a pedicure because I was embarrassed and ashamed I had warts.

Oh, how we do torture ourselves! We think that just because something isn’t pretty, it isn’t lovable. How wrong we are!  We ARE lovable – warts and all.  I know that now. And isn’t it a beautiful completion of the circle that I arrived at this knowing vis a vis my own baby’s cute little perfect toes? Life is indeed a place of joy if we let it be.

Bullying? A mother’s lament.

“I want to be nice. I don’t want to be a bully.” Followed by sobs that went on and on from the deepest part of his soul. I thought, “My God, what must it be like to navigate the social mores of the preschool playground?”  It was a gorgeous day. Too nice to stay indoors. I packed up my 3 boys and the next door neighbor and away we went. My 5-year old ran into someone from his kindergarten class who was there with his brother. They were playing that age-old game of coveted object (in this case a baseball cap) offered over only to be pulled away at the last second, leaving the receiver feeling like a schmuck. My son was on the receiving end of this game and had lost his sense of humor after they did it to him one too many times. I held him until his tears subsided. I felt guilty, of course, for reading my book and not paying attention to what was happening on the playground. Could you call this bullying? No, probably not. But the point is, to my son’s 5-year old psyche, being bullied is when another kid makes you feel so terrible you end up going to your mommy and sobbing your heart out. How did I handle it? In the best way I knew how. I held my son, I let him cry, until he was ready to play again. A different game this time.

Tenderness is required…

Yesterday I tried to get up before the kids and go out for a walk. Guess what? It didn’t happen. Surprised? Not if you are a mother.

First off, I had to lull my baby back to sleep. Then I went downstairs for a pee and came out of the bathroom to discover my three year old at the top of the steps. I picked him back up and took him over to the couch. We sat there while he drifted off to sleep and I watched the sun rise. It was beautiful.

I drifted back to sleep myself as I sat there cuddling my child. When I woke up it was time to get ready for church. I pondered the spiritual (if any) significance of my thwarted intention to get out of the house in the morning for some exercise.

When things do not go exactly “according to plan” it is easy to get frustrated, annoyed and downright deflated. However, in a house full of children, a fair amount of flexibility is required. In those early morning hours, when my three year old crept to the top of the stairs looking for me, he was not thinking or caring about the physical state of my body. He may say to me one day, “Mom, you are so fat. Why don’t you get some exercise?” But right then in that moment, what he wanted was some tenderness.

Our children challenge us (when they get beyond that newborn stage where they are so vulnerable, it is easy to be tender) to find depths of tenderness within ourselvses that perhaps we did not know where even there. They invite us to be tender with ourselves. They require a level of gentleness that is not the norm in our competitive, fast-paced, society.

After failing to get out yesterday morning, I first had to give myself a break for not following through with my plan. Then I had to make peace with my three year old for being the supposed culprit of “thwartation” (I know it’s not a word, but it should be). Then I had to ask God what it all meant. And, of course, journaling about it is how I find my answers.

The answer was tenderness. Tenderness for self. Tenderness for our children. Tenderness for the world. If we all showed each other a bit more tenderness and a little less “edge,” we’d all have a more peaceful countenance.

I called my sister and asked her what I should do about wanting to get up before the kids and feeling thwarted by their radar sense of when I am moving about the house. She told me to talk to them Higher Self to Higher Self. So, this is what I did in the dark of night when everyone was in bed. I asked them to give me that space to get up and go for a walk in the morning.

Guess what? This morning I woke up at 5am and away I went. They were still asleep when I returned home 45 minutes later.

The Way of the Toddler Hour – Monday, May 10th

          Making parenting decisions is tricky when other layers are present, like exes, adoptive parents, grandparents, etc.

Lori Hamilton gave up her daughter for an open adoption when she was seventeen.  Her daughter’s birth inspired Lori to study how to be a good parent for when she might have the chance again.  Now the step-mother of 7 and 9 year old daughters, she and her husband have the girls every other week.  She finds that any time a parenting decision must be made, she must think twice before thinking or acting.

 □ What are some basic building blocks?  You must be familiar with each other’s parenting philosophies.  Sometimes you can take them into account.  Sometimes, you know that you can only implement your strategies when they are with you.  But at least know how each party feels about:

          * Medical issues, from boo-boos to which emergency room and doctor’s office

          * Money

          * Chores

          * Hygiene

          * Routines

          * Education

          * Are there any issues that a particular parent would like to handle, e.g. first bra?

□ Whenever possible, put off making the decision by telling the child that you need to think about this and you’ll get back to him/her.  GET BACK TO THEM!

□ Spiritual perspective – Little Soul and the Sun (Neale Donald Walsche, Hampton Roads Pub.?)

          * In Heaven, what lessons did we decide we wanted to learn?

          * Which players loved you enough to participate and which roles are they playing?

          * How do you best perform your role for each of them?

          * If I can’t provide the best support, which player could, e.g. godparent? Teacher?

□ Past life coins/Active imagination

          * Ask what lesson they need to learn from you.

          * Ask what is blocking them from learning it.

          * Ask what you can do to remove this obstacle.

          * Repeat for yourself, e.g. what you need to learn from them, your obstacles

          * (If you need to say goodbye…)

                   ~ Zero Limits Prayer (Joe Vitale)

                   ~ Release him/her from the role they are playing in your life

                   ~ Walk away

The Power of Commitment

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me, “How did you manage to write a book with a one and a three year old?” I would be driving my children around in a Jag instead of a Toyota. The question is a hard one for me to answer. The truth is I didn’t have a magic formula for writing my book. I had a supportive husband who offered to watch the children in the evening so I could go to Starbuck’s and write. I had a handy kitchen countertop where I could put the laptop computer and write between changing diapers and stirring the stir-fry. I had an idea. I had something I wanted to say. I had the inspiration of my children to prod me along from chapter to chapter. Most of all, I had commitment.

The kind of commitment I am talking about is not the kind you find defined in the dictionary. It goes much deeper than that. It is dedication mixed with a large dose of patience, sprinkled with love and infused with faith, hope and determination.  All I knew at the time was that there had to be a better way for me than reading endless self-help books full of nifty suggestions and lofty anecdotes that could never quite find their way into my day-to-day routine. I wanted greater equilibrium in my life. I didn’t want to feel so discombobulated by motherhood.

I also spent a lot of time in the company of other mothers. I participated in so many conversations about the best this or the worst that. Schools, strollers, slings, sleeping habits, and so much more, filled the space of my consciousness and left me reeling with confusion and comparison overload. Getting caught up in those conversations was more a recipe for inner turmoil than inner peace. Writing about the spiritual lessons my children could teach me challenged me to think about motherhood and my children from the inside out instead of the outside in.

Through it all, I was committed to myself. We all have a purpose on this earth. It does not have to be lofty to be meaningful. The fact that we exist at all is meaningful in itself. By our very presence, we have changed the history of the world. I was committed to finding my purpose. Writing my Mission Statement for Motherhood was the single biggest favor I ever did for myself. The next was consciously looking to my children for spiritual wisdom and then writing a book about what they had taught me. The power of commitment is the power to do the impossible – like write a book with a one and three year old in tow.

We all have a song…

My mother once said to me, “Leta, for as much as you like to sing and for as awful as you sound, maybe we should get you some voice lessons.” It’s probably close to 25 years later and I still remember it, so it must have made an impression on me.

The fact remains, I love to sing. In the past 6 months I attended a singing meditation workshop. It was a day long workshop that entailed spontaneous singing and dancing. It may sound funny, but I loved it. I let loose and found my voice. It was one of the best days of my life.

We are so inhibited as adults. Believe me, my mother’s words all those years ago didn’t help. We learn to hide our song. And I know in my heart that we all have one.

My children sing like crazy. William especially. He always has a new pop song to share. He loves his love songs. He loves his air guitar. He loves dancing around like Joe Jonas. He’s my little pint sized rock star.

Will there come a point when my kids forget their song? Will they one day wake up and decide they are too old for such wild abandon self expression? Oh, Lord, I hope not.

I know I forgot my song. It’s coming back though. The more I learn, grow and transcned my fears, the more I find my buried song. Now, though, it isn’t so much a literal song as a metaphorical one. My song is my freedom to be me in this world. It is my authenticity. It is my unique signature in this world. We all have one. It gets buried in our desire to fit in, but it never fully goes away. Repressed, yes. Buried, yes. Irretrievable? Never!

I am so grateful for this voice that I have. I am so blessed with the ability to articulate thoughts into words. I am blessed beyond meausre to be able to sing out loud if that is where the Spirit moves me. I have so much in this life. My song is a song of thanks and praise for all that is right in my world. What is it that I have for which I am eternally grateful? I have food, shelter, clothing. I have a husband who loves me. I have parents who love and support me in my dreams and goals. I have a sister with whom I can share my inner most beliefs and feelings. I have 3 children who bring me more joy than words could ever possibly describe. I have a labirynth in my backyard that my husband built with is bare hands because I asked for one. I have a stone circle in my back yard that again my husband built with small boulders so that I would have that sacred space. I have this office in which to write and share and grow and be more – always more.

The birds were singing outside my kitchen window this morning as I was writing in my journal. I thought about their sweet song and it suddenly occurred to me that we humans were no different. We all have a song within us, our own song signature, if you will. When I am speaking from my heart, I am sharing my song with the world. And then I realized my children have been showing me this all along.

May I be open to the messages of my children who are wise beyond their years. Thank you, God, for their renditions of Michael Jackson!