This is part of a weekly exploration of my Mission Statement for Motherhood, which is printed on page 18 of my book The Way of the Toddler.
Offer support
without interfering too much (ultimately it is their journey)
Defining the balance between offering support and
interfering too much can be like aiming at a constantly moving target. As they
grow and develop, what our kids need from us is always changing. One day the
help they want in dressing becomes the fodder for a tantrum the next because we
did not let them do it on their own. How can we ever possibly hope to get this
parenting thing “right?”
“Ultimately this is their
journey’” is my mantra for helping me to maneuver into the best position
possible on that delicate knife edge between support and interference. I have
my own journey. Hopefully one day they will be in a better position to assist
me along my life path. Right now the scale is tipped in favor of me doing most
of the supporting – and the interfering.
The journey they are just beginning is one in which I have
the greatest influence right now, in these early years. Shaping their character
in positive ways that will support them in the overall path of life is my main
job today. Unless I repeat myself a zillion times over the course of years and
years, what I say exactly is not going to enter into the long term memory of
their consciousness. What will make its mark there, however, is who I am in the
world.
Repeating the mantra “Ultimately, this is their journey,” is the most helpful
thing I can say to remind me of the same. When I establish the unique qualities
that each human brings with them into experience of living, I can focus more on
my example than on imposing my will in any given situation that requires my
attention. When we are heading out the door in the morning, am I ready? Are my
shoes on? This is akin to the airline safety tag line of putting your own
oxygen mask on first before you help someone else put theirs on.
Everything boils down to who I am being in the world. Am I
showing my support of my spouse? What are my kids learning about support and
interference from me by the ways I behave in the world and our family unit?
They do need to know that I am there for them, but they also need freedom to
grow into the self-reliant individuals that can make their own way in the world
as adults. Having the eye on the ball of my own journey and remembering that it’s
the same for my kids allows me to tread the balance between too much support
and too much interfering with a lot more success than I think I would
otherwise.
So often our lives, especially at this early stage of
parenting when our kids are very young, are all about our children and not at
all about us. That can be ok too. Focusing our attention fully on our children
is simply another option for a way of being on the path that is our life.
Knowing we all have a path, each of us can oscillate between support and
interference without removing from our consciousness that our example is the
greatest determiner of future character, not what we say in the heat of this
moment.
A handy exercise is to ask myself where I am offering
support to the people in my life and where perhaps I am interfering. When I
look at my adult relationships, it follows that I bring this energy into my
relationship with my kids. The energy of support and the energy of interference
have a very different feel to them. One is buoying, the other deflating. I can
also reverse the exercise and take a look at how those around me are either
buoying me up with support of deflating me with too much interference. With
that kind of clarity, I can make more informed choices about with whom I spend
my time and create a better energy flow all around. My kids will benefit from
this. No surprise, I will too. That is the key to “Ultimately, it is their
journey.” Support and interference become tools by which you gage the direction
of your own path; willing you to move with your kids in life-supporting
measurable examples of consciousness in the choices we make as human beings.
When your kids see you make conscious
choices about whom you support and how you give that support, they will build
into their character the same and be ready for what may come in adulthood to a
much greater degree.
As T. colored, I noticed a pattern. She’d pick a marker color and turn to the first page of her coloring book. She’d color in a character’s shoe. Then she’d turn the page and color in an arm. Then she’d turn the page and color a face. Then she’d turn the page and color a cloud. Then she’d turn the page and color a leg. And so on.
When she got to the end of the book (which only took a few minutes), she’d take a break for a minute and then pick up another marker color and start again. Each page was like a growing mosaic of colors.
There didn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what portion of each page she chose to color – she just chose a shape and started.
