Blog

Taking the time to sit in between all the running around!

The only constant in life is change. Who said that? Somebody famous, I’m sure. For the life of a mother, this is a mantra. Every day is a mixed bag of “busy, busy, busy” or “ho-hum.” When my oldest two were 3 and 1 and I was a full-fledged stay at home mom, the monotony of poopy diapers, piles of laundry and plans for dinner definitely took their toll. Around the time of my (now) middle child’s first birthday, I was having an existential crisis of “Is this all there is to life?” Alas, the winds of change were set to gale force when we found out we were pregnant with baby number three and moved from an apartment to a house in the suburbs. With the introduction of school into our lives, some days I feel downright knocked over by the speed at which life moves.

It goes without saying that there is always something to do. It takes discipline not to do all the things you could or should be doing. Balance is a quality I treasure. I have worked diligently to experience it, albeit fleetingly. With this in mind, I take stock of each of my days and grab hold of opportunities to sit on my couch in quiet contemplation, to read or to write in my journal. Yesterday was a day like that – a day where I put off the laundry and took leftovers out of the freezer. The trees outside my window are so beautiful they beg to be looked at and appreciated, truly appreciated, every once in awhile.

Today is a different kettle of fish altogether. I am washing the towels for the homeless men staying at our church this month. They had to be picked up, washed and returned. Appointments, phone calls, domestic duties and more fill today. It’s 1:30pm and I haven’t had time to take a shower yet. This is a day where I wake up in the morning and wonder, “How will it all fit together? How will I make it all happen?” I have to stop and breath, reminding myself that it will all pan out somehow and that worrying about it will not solve anything. I press on, accomplishing each task in turn. It will be ok.

Looking at the clock is such an addictive habit, especially on busy days like these. If I learn now how to stay present even when there are so many things to do, I will be all the better prepared to handle life when it becomes really  interesting – when I have three school aged boys each in a different activity all overlapping with homework and all the other things that come with school life. I write this as my baby sleeps on the couch beside me. I may be stinky, but I do have this quiet in which to write. I will flow from this to the next thing (shower hopefully before a phone appointment) and keep my eye on the prize. The prize, for me, is balance, which I define as an inner state of equilibrium that makes me feel that I can handle everything on my metaphorical life-plate, that nothing is too overwhelming.

Having enough conscious awareness to know when I am being presented an opportunity to sit on my couch for 10 minutes and acting on that opportunity is the kind of awareness I am going for in the overall scheme of things. It comes when I make the time to wake up each morning and have time to myself before anyone else wakes up. It comes when I go jogging and make exercise a priority in my life. It comes when I stop looking at the clock (or checking my emails) and just finish the task at hand. All of these things take practice and discipline. Luckily, I have the rest of my life to get it right.

Interview questions on mindfulness

“Dark nights of the soul” can have many meanings for the mother. From death of a child to post pardum depression to “simple” sleepless nights and exhaustion, we each face varying degrees of internal darkness on a daily basis. We all experience suffering in ways that are unique to our particular path. However one’s suffering is manifested does not diminish its relevence within the context of our own lives. By expanding one’s understanding of perspective and context, one can alleviate a certain amount of suffering simply by knowing where it “falls” in relation to the suffering of others. I view meditation and mindfulness as pathways to expansion. As one expands, one is better able to cope with all the vicissitudes of life. This is especially helpful in the area of motherhood where one is confronted on a minute by minute basis with a barrage of patience-testing scenarios that would bring even the calm demeanor of the Dalai Lama to the brink of collapse.

We’ll get there when we get there…

I have just returned from a trip down to my parents’ house. It’s a 5-hour journey and, with 3 small children, there are many “when are we going to get theres” along the way.

Yet, how different is our children’s impatience from our own? We are all on this journey we call life. There are many goals we strive for, or journey towards, along the way. How impatient do we get when we want something RIGHT NOW? I know I get impatient. Patience is not one of my strong points. I work at it each and every day. My kids give me endless opportunities to practice patience at greater and greater depths. Oh yeah, and then there is the small matter of me having written and published a book, started up a business as a motivational speaker and am spending a great many hours these days marketing and promoting said book and business. Why am I not speaking at moms groups 7 days a week yet? Am I just a little impatient? You could say so.

We come up with brilliant ideas. We find our passion. We work towards our goals and yet forget that it’s all a learning process. Every day of my life is an opportunity to learn, to grow and to become more than I ever thought possible as a human being. Do I have goals? Yes, absolutely. Am I working towards them? Yes, every day. So why am I still so impatient?

Like the car journey to my parents house 5 hours away, I am moving in a forward direction towards my goals. And so, I can say to myself the same thing I said to my kids in the car: “We will get there when we get there.”

Patience is accepting that we WILL get to where we are going because we know we are moving forward toward that place. It does not mean I will get there today or even tomorrow, but, as long as I continue to make steps that keep me moving in a forward direction, then I will get there.

I expected the “we’ll get there when we get there” approach to work with my kids. I expected them to accept it because they had no other choice. They could not see in their mind’s eye the road that lay ahead and gauge the distance according to the mileage signs or the last city we drove through. They could not see the big picture of the journey in the same way I could, so I had to give them an answer that perhaps was not very satisfying, but it had to do.

What is different about me and my life path? Can I see the road that lay ahead or am I as ignorant as my children when it comes to how long it will take for me to “get there?” And will “there” look anything like I expected it to from this vantage point?

I am like the child who’s understanding of the world is limited and who’s view of the wider world is very narrow indeed. What can I know of my future? What can I know of the people I will meet along the way and the doors that will open as I progress down this particular road of life?

I will get there when I get there. The question I can definitively answer each and every day is: “Am I making forward movement in my life in the direction I want to go?” As long as I can consistently answer yes to that question, what have I to fear? Nothing. I don’t have to have all the answers now. I don’t have to know the exact details and timeline of the journey. It’s impossible for me to ever completely have the complete picture of my life. All I have is the narrow view of what I see and experience right in front of me. There are, however, an infinite number of things happening all around me about which I have no idea, but that could potentially change the entire course of my life forever. I simply do not know. I only know that there is so much I cannot possibly know.

Instead of obsessing about the end goad, I could enjoy the journey a bit more. I could look out the metaphorical windows and notice the scenery. I could rest assured and trust in the journey, as I feel the wheels of forward movement rotate beneath me.

My children trusted that we would arrive at grandma and grandpa’s. They were impatient to get there, but they knew that we would.

And so, my prayer today, is that I can learn something from them about my own journey. I can learn to trust that I will get wherever it is my desires are taking me. I can also learn to change the question from, “When am I going to get there?” to “Am I still moving forward?” Attempting to answer the first will only bring frustration. Answering the latter offers clarity and peace.

I choose peace.

What is resilience?

A child’s resilience is amazing. My baby JJ (16 months now, but forever my baby) fell off the bunkbed ladder. He’s an intrepid soul. And he is obsessed with climbing up the bunk bed ladder. Turn your head for a minute and up he goes. The inevitable happened and he fell off. He cried. I held him. Two minutes later he was trying to get up it again. We blocked it with the wicker laundry basket and he is MAD!

Am I so resilient? When I get knocked down how quickly do I get back up again? The answer is 1 day. I think that’s pretty good.

Yesterday was a knocked down day. It was one of those days where I left my cell phone at home, dropped the kids off at summer camp and took myself out for some retail therapy. Luckily I still had my birthday gift cards, otherwise the “retail therapy” we’d be able to afford right now would be from the clearance bin of the dollar store.

I was hiding, pure and simple. I didn’t want anybody to know where I was until I knew where I was. What am I doing here?

The night before last I spoke at an event for the third time in one week. And for the third time in one week I was incredibly well-received. Everyone said how much they loved my talk. They loved my energy, my passion. They loved what I had to say. It was so true, so relatable, so real, so funny, so needed. Still, no book sales.

I left the event and cried all the way home. Yelled all the way home. Is it worth it? Should I just give up? I’m burning the candle at both ends between the kids, the house and the business. If everyone loves what I have to say so much, why isn’t anyone buying my book?

So I spent a day removing myself as best I could from everything and everyone. After picking up the kids from camp, we went to the park. Then I took them to Fred Meyer and put them in Playland so I could sit upstairs in Starbuck’s and look out over the store. It’s a good thinking spot.

I ended my 24 hours of contemplating the question, “What am I doing here?” with some journaling. That’s my system. And it works. Here’s a step by step breakdown for how I get back up after being knocked down. I call it Resilience 101:

1. Release your emotions.

When I get knocked down, I scream and cry for awhile.

2. Enter into a period of solitude and contemplation.

I shut myself off from the world for a day (kids don’t count) to pray, think and generally not talk to anyone unless I absolutely have to. If possible, I spend some time in a church sanctuary or some kind of place (like nature) where I can feel a closer connection to the Divine. I read something spiritually edifying that is going to give me “food” for thought.

3. Share your story with a trusted friend.

At the end of my day of solitude, I get a glass of wine, call a trusted friend and just get it all off my chest (in this case it was my cousin – she was drinking a glass of wine on the other end).

4. Insist you get a good night’s sleep.

I tucked myself into bed last night at 8:30pm and slept like a baby, even with Oliver and JJ in the bed with me.

5. Let your hand be a messenger of insights – WRITE!

I woke up early this morning and wrote in my journal to process my feelings and insights from the day before.

6. Immerse yourself in some exercise and heavy breathing.

I got some exercise so that I could experience taking deep inhalations of oxygen into my body. This, to me, is definitely a form of prayer and a key component of my spiritual practice. This morning I went jogging with JJ because I obviously couldn’t leave him home by himself. (As a side note, I will say that solitude and contemplation can be done around kids. Intention is everything.)

7. Elevate your thoughts through prayer/meditation.

In the shower, I pray and thank God for the opportunity to learn and grow.

8. Note your intentions.

Still in the shower, I state my intentions for who and what I want to be in the world.

9. Contact the outside world again.

Now I am ready to face the emails which have built up from yesterday and get on with business.

10. Enter into a new, more resilient you.

That’s it. I’m done. I’m back up. I’m clearer about what it is that I’m doing here and I face the world with renewed resilience, greater strength and a deeper sense of peace. I am grateful for the experience of being knocked down because it has brought me greater understanding.

Take another look at number 1-10 above. I used the word RESILIENCE as an acronym for these 10 steps. My intention is that it will be easier to remember that way.

Look, if JJ can fall off a bunkbed ladder and be smiling 2 minutes later, ready to do it again, I can also pick myself up when I fall down. It helps that I have a process for going from down to up. Because of what happened, I have new found clarity, I’m taking a new course of action and I understand at an even greater depth what I’m doing here.

For that, I am so very grateful. Thank you to JJ too for inspiring me to be resilient and showing me what true resilience really means.

We are all blessings.

Why do we have challenges and challenging situations?

To learn, of course. To grow, of course. To transcend limitations and evolve.

What does the tree do when it is growing under shade? It grows towards the light. Does it give up? A tree knows how to grow despite the challenges. A tree understands and lives the principles of growth. For conscious beings (that means, us humans), we can be surprisingly unconscious about the principles of growth.

1. It is in our very nature to grow – physically, emotionally and spiritually.

2. There is no question of growth.

3. How we grow depends on an infinite number of environmental factors.

4. We direct the course of our growth through our choices.

Every decision is a choice between going in the direction of love or in the direction of the absence of love. Do we ever stop to consider this? Or are we so wrapped up in our external circumstances that we do not take the time to ask in which direction our decisions are taking us?

However, the caveat is that we all too often confuse love with desire or need.

Love is:

unconditional

Self-less (or unselfish)

Honest

Pure

forgiving

Unifying

Expansive

All-encompassing

Uplifting

Constant

Peaceful

In the moment

Love is a quality of presence. Put another way, “Presence” is the domain of love. Fear cannot exist in presence. Fear can only exist when the mind is preoccupied with potential future events. When one is centered in the moment, fear cannot enter, for this is not its domain.

Love draws good towards it. Love and fear are both magnets, drawing more of itself to itself.

That is why it can be such a challenge to shift thought patterns upwards. But, again, the tree does not go from seed to mighty oak in a day. There is a process to growth and the oak knows instinctively how to be patient.

We are here to help each other…

Is the task to live one’s life with integrity? What is the definition of a good life? In my dream, my sister and husband were reluctant to clean up a spare room to make it useable as a bedroom for their daughters. Instead it was full of paper, old furniture and other things they didn’t use and didn’t need. But to clean it seemed such an effort to them. They left it and their daughters slept in sleeping bags on the floor. How many of us cannot face the thought of cleaning up our own lives? And at what cost to ourselves and others?

Then there was my brother in law, who was learning how to fly a helicopter so he could get home faster and see his baby more. It was a means of getting from AtoB quickly and efficiently because he worked so hard and so late, but did not want to miss out on seeing his child grow. What tools do we have in our lives that can aid us in getting from ego to Spirit quickly and efficiently? Do we pray? Do we say an affirmation? What is our spiritual “helicopter” to take us from a focus on our biology and humanity to a connection with Spirit and our hearts?

Next, I was sitting talking to a stranger and I started to open my mouth and say something negative about my mother in law when I noticed her son sitting next to me. I felt immediately terrible at the thought of hurting her son with my cruel words and so I stopped myself. How often do we refrain from speaking badly about another? How do we know what kind of effect, either direct or indirect, such talk has? Can we see ourselves in each and every other person in our lives? What is so different about another that merits our defamation? Do they not have a soul? A Golden Angel? Guides that love them? A lineage in earthly terms full of complexities beyond our wildest imaginations? And so much more we ALL hold in common. Can we stop ourselves and realize how much we are hurting ourselves when we seek to hurt another (even if we are doing so “behind their back”)?

Then there was a communal aspect of my dream and an oven that had complicated buttons and did not get turned on properly by the person next to me in line. There was a man naked from the waste down doing stretching exercises and joining in the conversation without a second thought to his nakedness. It was an apartment complex of sorts. And a gathering, a sharing, a being together, each in our own uniqueness. Can we accept each other for who we are? Can we come together in the Spirit of nonjudgement? Can we look at another who is coompletely exposed (in a metaphorical sense) and still listen to what they have to say?

And the oven! It was a communal effort to figure it out, a group attempt to help one another toward the ultimate goal of cooking a meal to eat. Can we support each other in our individual endeavors to sustain ourselves? Each of us is “cooking” something different, but the “oven” of life is the same for us all and we need to help eachother figure it out beacuse it can appear quite a complicated beast. Some of us have a better understanding than others of its many “button” and what they all mean. That’s just because we’be been here longer and had more practice in “figuring it out.”

Next, there were some neighbors helping eachother out with babysitting. A mother needed some time to homeschool her two older children so the baby went next door. There is not one of us on this planet who does not need help at some point or another. Asking for help and giving help are both gifts. In my dream, this neighborly helping of one another was perfectly natural. Why wouldn’t the one family help the other? The overall feeling was one of mutual support. In helping another, we help ourselves. When we help another, we help sustain the community as a whole and that, indeed, helps to sustain our own position within that very community. Service is our natural state of Being.

My dream was about the Spirit of Community, about helping and supporting one another. It was about being conscious of what we say and what we do. It was about how we connect to Spirit by how we behave and conduct ourselves in the midst of our human experience and our interactions with all. God is there for us and it doesn’t take isolation in a monestary to find God (although that may be an appropriate path for some in any given lifetime). The path to God is so very much in our interactions and in our relationships. God is revealed when judgement is set aside, when we accept people (including ourselves) as we are. When we clean up our own ”houses” to make room for more love. When we share with others knowledge that we have to help make it easier for another. When we help a neighbor. When we catch our negative thoughts and do not speak them.

Our children are so wise. Do we listen?

I have been talking to William, my oldest, about guardian angels. I believe we all have unseen spiritual guides – call them what you will – but I believe in them. William is 6 now and I have been sharing more of my spiritual beliefs with him as he is getting older. To that end, I have begun to openly talk about the guides that I know I have in my life (and believe that we all have). I call mine Arnold. There’s a reason I call him Arnold, but that’s another story.

The other day William and I were debating whether he should do his homework before going to Hollywood Video or after. William, of course, wanted to do it after and I wanted him to do it before. I’m the mom, right? What I say should be the law no matter what, right? Well, I don’t really parent that way. We are equals on this earth. There’s a bigger context to everything. We are spiritual beings having human experiences. The spiritual side of things always takes precedence in my book. To that end, I said to James that I would check in with Arnold and see what he said. That’s when I do my muscle testing. This is a form of kinesiology I do based on the teachings of Dr. David R. Hawkins. I have been studying him for several years now, have read all of his books and practice a form of individual muscle testing he describes in the Appendix of “Power vs. Force.”

I ask, “It serves the Highest Good to do such and such…” It’s really a matter of stopping, going inward and really paying attention to that “still small voice” called intuition. It serves me well. It serves me very well.

In this case, when I took a moment to get out of my ego and motherly righteousness about the whole homework thing, the message that I “got” was that it served the Highest Good to go to the video store first and then come back and do William’s homework.

The thing about the universe is that its reference of context is a whole lot larger than mine. I have learned that to trust the universe is just about the biggest favor anyone could ever do for themselves.

I told William that Arnold sided with him and that we would go to Hollywood Video and then come back and he would do his homework then. We went outside to walk to Hollywood Video and William wanted to take his scooter. It was drizzly and wet, so I said that I thought it was safer if William did not ride his scooter. I turned away to put JJ and Oliver in the double buggy. When I looked back over at William he had put the scooter down.

He said, “Mom, I checked in with Arnold and he told me not to ride my scooter.” Then he said, “Mom, Arnold’s voice is very quiet, like a whisper inside my head. When he talks to me it’s very soft.”

It was beautiful. I felt like he had reconnected with a piece of his birthright in that moment. We are all supported in this earth adventure. We forget that help is there. In that moment William reconnected to his inner compass. Have you?

Everything in Moderation…

JJ loves his milk. He loves his milk and he loves to eat.

Now that I’ve stopped breastfeeding, he is really guzzling milk. He’s having trouble going to sleep without guzzling a bottle of milk. The other night he had a big dinner. There were little peach chunks for desert. Then a little while later is was bed time. Down went a bottle of milk. It was a lot of food and a lot of milk in a very short space of time. I’m laying in bed on his side guzzling his milk. The lights are off. JJ is next to me in the bed (for we are a co-sleeping family) and all of a sudden I hear this huge puke. I tell James to turn on the light. We look over and there is a massive pile of vomit full of little peach chunks all over the sheets. Needless to say the next 20 minutes or so was occupied with changing the sheets and cleaning up JJ.

Wow. The spiritual lesson there? Everything in moderation! Too much of a good thing really is too much of a good thing. This is the second time JJ has overindulged and then puked everywhere. His stomach just can’t hold as much as he wants to put in there.

We’re still working on the moderation thing. Moderation is a bit like balance, isn’t it? Sometimes it can be a subtle line between moderation and overindulgence. It’s not always easy to see where one ends and the other begins until it’s too late. Sometimes it just takes a bit of practice and trial and error. We are all doing the best we can. Even JJ.

My job is to keep the “everything in moderation” motto in mind during my day and in my activities. If I am conscious of moderation in myself, my awareness of it in terms of my children will also come more naturally.

We learn so much through our kids!

The Formula for Fulfillment…

For  the last 2 weeks I have been waking up at 5am for a jog and/or walk before my husband has to go to work. I arrive back at the house just before 6am, make a cup of coffee and then sit and write in my journal and read for an hour before I start the morning school routine. This plan has been semi-successful. JJ has been waking up while I am out and that means my husband is awakened. He does not like being awakened before 6am. He does not want to have to attempt to placate JJ while I am out of the house at the crack of dawn.

If JJ stirs as I am leaving and I catch it, our new deal is that I have to take JJ with me in the stroller. That happened this morning. He, of course, falls straight back asleep in the stroller as I do my walk. However, keeping him asleep in the stroller when I return at 6am is another challenge. This morning that wasn’t so successful.

In an attempt to give JJ something to keep him occupied so I could do my journal writing (which I do religiously), I gave him a chocolate egg left over from Easter. I took him up to my journal writing chair and sat him on my lap. I didn’t get a huge amount of journal writing done (it’s ok, I did it later), but I did have an incredible “ah-ha” moment.

There he was sitting on my lap, eating this delicious treat with this look of total contentment on his face. “There,” I thought, “is the look of fulfillment.”

And what were the components of that look of complete and utter fulfillment?

1. Love – he was sitting in his mommy’s lap, in a place of safety and security and warmth. It was the “seat” of love, literally and metaphorically.

2. Enjoyment – he was diggin’ that chocolate egg. Yum, yum!

3. Presence – He was present in that moment. At this stage, there is nothing but the present for him. He goes from moment to moment either loving it or hating it depending on the situation. But, whatever the case, he’s all there. Yesterday and tomorrow don’t register. 3 minutes from now doesn’t even come into the picture.

So, there you have it…

Love + Enjoyment + Presence = FULFILLMENT!

Check yourself now? Are you out of balance in any one of those 3 areas?

Love is the Spirit.

Enjoyement is the Body.

Presence is the Mind.

Mind, Body, Spirit  – It’s all connected. And when there is harmony and balance between the 3, you have fulfillment.

Notes on New York…

This is an email I wrote to my publisher about how things are going right now…

This is not the kind of email I can just respond to lickety split! New York was an incredible and life-changing experience. Most everyone was incredibly receptive and encouraging. I have begun a massive follow-up campaign.I did have one guy from a distribution company called Midpoint (and former exec at Simon and Schuster) tell me that he thought I’d done my book all wrong – that it looked self-published, it should be paperback, it was too expensive and he hated the cover image and said I should not have chosen a mixed race child. On the other hand, everything that he said I needed to do I am already doing. One has to take these things in their proper context. It was a great learning experience and he took the time to meet with me at his office for a longer meeting at the Summit. He was actually very helpful overall. I sent a copy of my book to Sanjay Burman of Burman Books, an independent publisher based in Toronto. He called and said that he loved the concept and future branding potential of my book and would be willing to publish a second edition in paperback with 2 more chapters added. However, as a first time author, the deal was that I would have to buy 2,000 copies of the book myself at $8 each, which would have worked out at $14,000. We just do not have those funds right now. I continue to do the work to build my platform. I am doing the radio show on Sue Lundquist’s network now. That really helped when I went to NY. I love doing the show and keeping it is a real priority – which means selling advertising and sponsorship. One of the media at the Summit, a radio show host named Lisa Weixler said that she did not tend to feature self-published authors on her show because most of the self-published books she comes across are very poorly edited. This is something to bear in mind telling future clients – MAKE SURE THEY EDIT THEIR MANUSCRIPTS THOROUGHLY!! I have noticed a few errors in my book, which will definitely have to be corrected in any future editions. One good thing about the Summit combined with the radio show is that I have been able to ask a few of the media I met onto my radio show as guests and have had very positive response so far with the ones I have emailed (as opposed to sending letters in the mail). Faith and Trust carry me onwards and upwards more than words could possibly express. One’s mental attitude is so important. Never give up. Believe in yourself. Believe in your message. Always be patient. Do not be so obsessed with an end goal that you forget the really important stuff – like time with your kids. The “goal” of life is not to sell a million books, but to learn, grow and become a wiser, more peaceful, and closer to God person along the way.